Okay, so it has been a
while.
I haven't
really been up to writing lately and I figured if this blog is just for fun then
there isn't any point forcing anything, cos then it isn't fun to read. I haven’t
planned anything to post so this post is just going to be for me to vent,
because I love a good vent. I don't know what it'll turn into. So here goes...
These
past few weeks, I have had a lot of time to myself to think about what I want
from life, where I want to be in 10 years and how I am going to get there.
These thoughts always scare people but living with anxiety the thoughts about
my future absolutely overwhelm me. I think what scares us is the constant
reminders in school that tell us we need to decide what we want to do, and do
everything possible to get there. When people like my-self are not 100% what
they want to do it can cause feelings of worthlessness and guilt. I know from
speaking to friends my age and even younger that feel the same as I do.
The main
lesson I have learned whilst having this time is that the most important thing
in life is health, and I have started to put my health before anything else.
Before University, before going on holiday and before what anyone else expects
of me. Today, the day I am writing this, I had planned and paid to spend the
weekend at Paris with my friends from University. However, I have struggled
quite alot these past few weeks with depression and my mental health. I am home
from Uni and have taken some time to look after myself and get back on my feet.
I don't regret spending £200 on Paris and not going because I know it was the
right thing to do for my health. I feel better now than I did last week and the
week before that. I think that is down to having realised what is most
important in my life. My happiness, friends and family.
I have
spent time with the people I love the most and who love me for simply being me.
I am continuing to discover who my real friends are and who will stick by me
when I screw up. These people are who I will invest my time with. I am so
grateful for the people who have helped me through this difficult time and
those people know who they are.
I mostly want to thank my Mam,
Dad, sister and my best friends. My 4 best friends Beccy, Abbi, Daisy, and
Lauren have been my rocks and there is nothing I wouldn’t tell any of them. I
feel so blessed to have them in my life. Being around these girls I have
been able to be myself and have felt entirely comfortable in doing so. In the
past I have been around people that I have been afraid to do and say things
around. I know now, that it is so much more fun to have fewer close friends
than hundreds of people that claim to be friends but run at the first sight of
trouble.
Lastly, I think what I wanted to get across is that the
choices you make in life should be solely your own. I have struggled with
caring too much about what other people think of me. I feel like I have been
trying to meet expectations and have put far too much pressure on myself to be
a better and more successful person. This can mean missing out on having fun
and enjoying life on a day to day basis. I am now trying my best to make
decision that are good for me and will make me happy.
I hope you’re all well.
Thanks for reading
xxx
(If anyone actually reads this on a regular basis let me know in the comments which size font is better, this post is large, the previous is normal. Cheers x)
